I Become a Member of the Paparazzi


“TMZ Staff” took this photo. (I’m that staff member.)

One fine fall day in 2008, we were walking down Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, and there drives by Larry King, who couldn’t help but notice “Jack” (Norman) was walking outside of Harry Winston’s diamonds. Perhaps this bothered him that Jack had someone important to purchase diamonds for, or perhaps Jack owed him some money.

This scene became so distracting to Larry, that he backed up into a Maserati when trying to quickly park.

So, like any good enterprising citizen would, I whipped out my iPhone and snapped a photo of the security guy checking out the damage Larry had done.

One hour later, I had myself a deal with TMZ. So yes, I am officially a “paid paparazzi”, and the photo above is the proof.

Are Tweens Like Honey Bees?


Queen-Bee

You are a quasi-celebrity sitting in a cafeteria-style lunchroom with hundreds of pre-teens. This group, in general, behaves without any form of self control, precisely the way all humans would if they could. For this reason, “tweens” are probably the best study group on human behavior. The tweens spot you and word spreads like an audience wave at a baseball game. The tweens now engage in an unusual, yet telling human behavior, directed at you and your family. Their behavior implies the following:

1) You are completely deaf:

They talk aloud about the you within a 10-foot range. Are they assuming you are sitting inside your fan-suppressing housing unit with your sound shield fully engaged?

2) You are completely blind:

They stare, photograph, videotape, giggle, whisper, and then plot to waylay you in a Lord-of-the-flies-style takeover. They do this with the sincere belief that neither you nor your family can discern their stealthy operations.

3) You are now their personal property:

Once their takeover operation is complete, they follow their captive around like bees protecting their queen. They are fully responsible for your safety and will defend you against all unknowing fans.

Fully-grown tweens carry on similar behavior but much more surreptitiously. They have developed their operations over years of real-world training, and now have the discipline and craft refined to a level only discernable by a few of the best and brightest quasi-celeb spouses out there.