The Unjolly Green Giant


After my nephew’s fabulous wedding and reception, we decided to go to an English Pub in Redlands. It was fun, people were getting their photo taken with Norman and it was a very friendly and positive experience.

People came up and talked to us about how much he looks like Jack and how cool it was, etc….the usual. We met a nice couple and they said they were going to the Boiler Room, another bar down the street. They asked if we would like to go, too. We said okay and we left the pub. Well, most of us left the pub. I thought, where the heck is Norman? Oh, he is probably getting his photo taken by a large group of people who waited too long and saw him leaving.

This always happens right when we are leaving. And it is true, he had been stopped by a few women on the way out but when I returned, I saw his passage being blocked by what appeared to be a 7-Foot Englishman. He was being really hostile to Norman, like asking him why he tries to fool everyone, calling him “NormJack” over and over and over. I think perhaps he was the only one fooled and he had far too much to drink. I tapped him on his waistline, as high as I could reach, and asked him to let Norman go. Just then the guys at the bar, who knew Norman wasn’t Jack, but wanted their photos taken earlier just the same, started chanting, “Let Jack Go! Let Jack Go!” Other than your routine impending bar fight, my mind couldn’t help thinking this English Giant was about to chant “Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a fake Jack Nicholson” and tear Norman into little hand-held morsals.

Finally, I went back outside and asked the guy we were with to help rescue Norman. This guy was the nicest person you could ever meet, mild-mannered, kind, gentle, yet comparatively small. Bravely, he went into the pub and somehow, though a high level of charm or some other magical powers, was able to convince the towering Englishman to let Norman go. Wow, we dodged that bullet!

So we walked down the street to the Boiler Room, where somehow the DJ was already tipped off that Jack Nicholson was coming, and our arrival was “announced” over the loud speaker as we walked in. It was unexpected and slightly annoying. Does Jack really have to put up with this treatment EVERYWHERE he goes? When he goes shopping for groceries at Pavillions, does the senior checker announce over the intercom system, “Jack Nicholson has arrived on aisle 9.”

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